Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
