dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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