If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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