i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
