I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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