Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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