I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
