So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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