There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have aggressive nipples.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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