dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
