i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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