Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
