Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize