I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
