I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
