I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
