everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
