I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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