we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My balls are so social today.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
