I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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