Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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