oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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