She went from zero to smokin in five shots
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
