I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
