what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
