You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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