last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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