Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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