booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Randomize
