glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
