I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
