yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
