I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Only a mothe r could love this liver
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
this is an emotional support booty call
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
