i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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