Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
