i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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