4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
