She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
