Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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