We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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