Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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