masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
