I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
