Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
