clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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