$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
