the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
