the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
