When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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