That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
