He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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