even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
