He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There's always time for handjobs
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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