You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
