Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize