There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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