so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
