you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
