Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
