One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
