I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
