sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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