Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
