you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
