i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
