ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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