I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
