ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
