Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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